The day that my life changed

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The day that my life changed, maybe this isn’t the best way to describe the mistakes that I made in the past, when I see myself lying there in the cold, dark room with thoughts screaming through my head, all I can think about is how young I was, so idle and stupid that I had no real dreams, no real fantasy and no real structure to my life, I was living in hope, I was in my world and I wasn’t going to let anybody in, now I realize the foolish road I was walking. I suppose I should start at the beginning, I was 14 years old, at my friend Tom’s house, I wasn’t alone there.

It was a not so unusual party, with the essence of cold beer and the sweet smell of burning cannabis, wafting over the heads of about 20 people, I for one was partaking in these substances, I was letting go off everything for that one night, with my closest friends and associates, I dedicated the night to being young, and celebrated by draining a bottle of wine in less then a minute. The sights and sounds around me where incredible, I could hear my very best friend, inside one of the caravans parked around the burning fire in which we where surrounded, she was giggling madly with another associate, rob I think his name was.

At this party it seemed approved for everybody to hook up and pull, a normal teenage gang bang where kids get off their heads and sleep with the first thing that climbs into their tent, and I for one, at this party, was not going to let this stereotypical judgement put me off, I wasn’t going to hold myself back and stop myself, although now I think about, maybe I would have been more comfortable stopping myself at this time.

As the night dragged on and the sound of silence drew near, all you could hear where the whispers of nearby couples, but nothing was getting to serious, all the alcohol drunk but still weed left to smoke, it didn’t seem like the night was too far near dawn, by this time I was tripping badly, it was cold outside but I kept myself warm by sitting near the fire, suddenly I felt somebody touch my arm, I looked around and saw my friend Andrew sitting next to me, I had had a girly crush on him for some time and was excited to see him taking an interest in me, minutes later and there we where lying on the burnt grass kissing each other, I felt perfect, I didn’t care about anything going on around me, all I wanted was to lie there forever slowly taking in the sights and smells around me, the mood was romantic, the sounds of quiet whispers sent a chill down my spine, I felt like a naughty school girl but it felt amazing. Soon I started to tell things where getting serious and I didn’t stop myself being drawn into his world of sex.

He asked me to go into one of the many tents with him, and I felt it was my duty to him to go with him, I thought I could please him and I wanted to, I wasn’t sure how far it would go, but I knew that at the end of the day nothing mattered to me anymore, all I wanted was him, and so I went and without a thought on my safety and contraception, I let him have his way with me.

We came out of the tent a few minutes later, and the people around me, my so-called friends, looked at me like I was scum, something they had picked off their shoes in a nasty manor, but I didn’t care, this feeling was great, I never wanted it to end, as I walked into the caravan where my best friend had found hidden supplies of alcohol and was sneakily trying to drink it all before anyone would walk in, she looked at me with surprise and giggled a bit, then looked at me square in the eyes and asked me ‘You slept with him didn’t you? and that’s the point in which I knew I had done wrong, my heart missed a beat and I lay on the portable sofa inside, I wanted to hide my face from everything, I was in shame, and I could look anywhere, I didn’t answer her question because she already knew the answer, it was devastating, but we agreed it was ok and it would all be alright, I didn’t have to worry because she would look after me, she was drunk but she knew what was happening, we went outside and slowly people starting moving into different tents and going to sleep,.

All I wanted was to sleep and forget everything and maybe I was dreaming, maybe it didn’t happen, but maybe it was just the cannabis playing tricks with my mind, but deep down I knew what was going on in my mind. I fell asleep next to the fire, I was the only one left out but I didn’t want to go anywhere else, I didn’t want to be in an enclosed space, I felt I would suffocate. I woke up the next morning, it was a hot late summers day so the sun was shining in my eyes, there was nobody anywhere to be seen, I walked into the house where my best friends was sleeping and laid on the floor and thoughts, I recalled everything that had happened, I couldn’t open my eyes I didn’t want to believe it. I woke up with the sound of Tom and his friends playing heir music, they are in a band, my head was next the drum kit and I felt my head banging against it as they played.

I woke up and sat up, they looked at me and Tom gave me a cheeky smile, me and Tom had been very close, and I felt like I had disobeyed him, but I knew he would understand. We get up and tidied up the garden. Everyone had gone apart from me and Michelle, so me and Tom went into one of the caravans and left Michelle to get dressed. We spoke about last night, he said he still loved me even though he felt he didn’t know me anymore, I lit a cigarette and as I blew the smoke from my mouth, I imagined that it was the thought of last night that it would just blow away into the air and dissolve. As we walked down the road, Tom following behind, we decided to stop off at the doctors surgery, we asked to speak to a doctor about emergency contraception, but we where refused as we weren’t local.

Tom lives on a hill on the outskirts of a large village; we picked up our luggage, and carried it into the centre of town, where I broke down into tears. Thoughts where running through my mind one after another after another, I was screaming inside and I just wanted my mum so I could hold her and talk to her, but I had no-one to talk to, I was lost on my own for my mistakes, I promised myself never to smoke cannabis again, and to this day I still haven’t. The following nights I stayed with Michelle, I decided that I would not tell my mum because I know what her reaction would be, and maybe after all of this chaos was over, she wouldn’t need to know.

It would be the start of a new year in a couple of days time, so I went home to begin getting ready to go back, I told myself that this year would be different, I would concentrate on work, after 9 years of messing around in lessons, and devoting myself to being a kid, I would settle down and begin planning my future very wisely, “I wont mess up”, that’s what I told myself every night and every morning, whether its what pushed me I don’t think ill ever know, but I certainly brought my standards up to my maximum Nobody knew what had happened at school, and that’s how I wanted to keep it, I returned with a smile on my face, and I was ready, I was ready to prove that I could do it! They where wrong about me. Everything was as normal inside of school, but outside there where still rumours, but they seemed to be clearing, the people who had given me grief, with the dirty looks and the whispering of nasty, crude comments, that was over, and it was all ok in my world again.

I decided to stop worrying, and things began to get back to how they where before, Michelle and I where as close as ever, that’s all that mattered to me. Strange feelings started coming back to me, and for some reason I still wanted him, I wanted to see him again, I wanted to talk to him, its what I needed. Finally nearly 2 weeks after the incident, I arranged to meet up with Tom in the centre of the town, that’s when I saw him. Upon reaching this destination, I saw him sitting coolly next to him, without a care in the world he looked up and smiled the sweet smile that I fell for the first time around, but I persuaded myself not take the road I took before, its for the best I repeated in the back of my head.

After a few crude puns from Tom about it being the first time we will have seen each other since, the atmosphere cooled and I began to relax and just enjoy time with him, we wandered around the town for a while, then settled in a park at the top of the hill and we all talked and decided it best not to take what happened seriously and it was just a spare of the moment thing, I wanted to tell him everything that I felt, but it wasn’t the right time I knew. At that point Tom got a phone call on his mobile, apparently his girlfriend urgently need a chat with him, so with a hug and a peck on the cheek he left us to it, just me and him, lying in the grass, alone together. We didn’t do anything, we just sat and looked into each other eyes and kissed, it was beautiful in a way in which I felt loved, but I knew he would never want to become anything more then just friends, I had asked him out before earlier months ago, but I had been with someone else since and it had been long forgotten.

After hours of just lying in peace, I decided it was time to end, it was because I didn’t want it to end, I knew It had to, to become to attached would have hurt me more, if I was going to leave, it had to be now, I told him straight that I never wanted to be with him again, everything we had would end now, I apologized and walked away in silence, I could feel his eyes burning on my back as I left, I didn’t turn around I just got up and left, I thought that this would be the end, but I should of realised how much more was yet to come. Days passed, and as days turned to weeks I knew I was getting over him, Michelle wasn’t at school because she had a high fever, and I was left on my own to get on with my life, I was trying really hard to get on with work at school, I was too young to be getting into these situations, I wasn’t ready. However, after 3 weeks I realized I hadn’t come on yet, I was nearly 2 weeks late, I knew the worst was going to come to the worst, and the worst thing was I knew I was on my own.

Although Michelle and I where all patched up, she wasn’t at school and I couldn’t talk to anybody else, nobody knew me. I went over to Michelle’s the following Saturday, we walked together into town to do a bit of shopping, and that’s when I told her I needed to buy a pregnancy test, although I already knew I was, I could feel it, there was something else in me and although it had only been a couple of weeks I actually felt like it was meant to happen, I was comfortable with having something so small and loveable inside me, thinking about it now, I would probably say I was too comfortable with it, I wasn’t ready and I wouldn’t be for a long time, but at a young and vulnerable age I believed it to have a meaning and a purpose, not just a mistake.

We where visiting one of our close friends named Cheryl, she worked in a local bakery. On the way there I told Michelle that afterwards I had to go the chemist, and without a second thought she immediately knew why, I had a feeling she knew deep down to, and with the look in her eyes, all the thoughts of being on my own left me, I wasn’t on my own I had my best friend to look after me, and without her help I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure. We brought a cheap ‘one minute wander’ test, and took it the toilets in the near by supermarket, I followed the directions and with Michelle in the toilet with me it wasn’t quite so scary, but I knew the answer would be finale, and as thought, it was positive.

My heart fell to my knees and I felt weak, I didn’t knew what to say and I just wanted to laugh, I was so nervous laughing is all I could manage to do, I pulled myself together and we walked to the bakery talking, she asked if I was ok and I was, I felt it was finale now, it had been confirmed and I was with baby. What about Andrew? What would I tell him? How would I tell him? All these questions going around my head and all I wanted to do was sit down and smoke a cigarette. And as I put the cigarette between my lips, I thought of that night, I could remember it clearly, and the thought, as I brought the flame higher, it brought a tear to my eye. I held back crying, I held back all my thoughts, and as I exhaled the smoke from my mouth, I imagined the smoke being the pollution from my head, mistakes id made… they all dissolved into the atmosphere.

I must admit, I didn’t expect Michelle’s reaction to be recognisable, I expected her to understand in a way, I expected her to keep it quiet to herself, I didn’t imagine how far it would go. In less then 2 hours I think most of my village knew, at least. We slowly made our way down back to the bakery, I looked at Cheryl, she smiled, and I looked away. I couldn’t bear to look up, I fixed my eyes upon the dirty upswept floor, hoping that if I couldn’t see anybody, they couldn’t see me. The sun was shining, and I began to feel myself heat up rather quick, so I made my way through the queue of hungry bread buyers, and disappeared around the corner and out of sight.

I just stood there aimlessly, the words ‘its positive, your pregnant’ going around and around and around in my head, spinning and spinning, my eyes went out of focus and I felt like my head was on fire, but I was disturbed, there was Michelle coming towards me, tottering in her high heels, cigarette in one hand handbag in the other, she tried phoning tom, knowing he was with Andrew. I didn’t want him to know like this! I wanted to tell him! I felt pushed into a corner with everyone else trying to take over, I just wanted to go home and think and sort things over, I didn’t want everyone knowing, Michelle had told Cheryl. She was telling me that she would be there for me and she would help me look after it, and if I needed her, she’d be there.

But I didn’t need her, I didn’t need anyone, I needed peace, I wanted to be by myself, why wouldn’t anybody listen? I tried listening to them talk to me until I nearly exploded! It is all going to be ok, it will all work out for the best, you’ll be fine, that’s what they all kept saying, yet It didn’t make me feel any better. Tom was with Andrew, but they where out at a BMX park, so they didn’t want to come and talk to us. In a way I was glad, for all we knew the pregnancy test could be wrong, we had to be sure, I had to be sure. I decided to be sure, I asked Michelle and Cheryl to walk with me the chemist, where we brought a more expensive, but what I would of thought, more dependable pregnancy test.

And once again we walked into the supermarket toilets, and this time they both came in, it was quite a struggle fitting 3 teenage girls in one toilet, but we managed it, my bladder was empty, so it took me a while, but I got there in the end, I wasn’t to desperate to see the end result, but to my surprise it said negative, I was shocked and surprised, I suddenly felt all dizzy and light headed, I was too happy, Cheryl and Michelle on the other hand, thought there must be a mistake, it felt like they wanted me to be pregnant, but I didn’t care, because I wasn’t.

Cheryl knew the nurse behind the counter at the chemist, so we walked up there to ask her opinion, where she condemned my worst fears, she explained that the first pregnancy is going to be a more dependable answer because my urine was less concentrated, she suggested we brought another pregnancy test and try it first thing in the morning for a definite answer. Michelle and I walked back to her house, our friend from school, Laura, was staying over Michelle’s with us tonight, so we returned to Michelle’s to greet her, we decided to tell Michelle’s mum everything.

As we walked up the path to Michelle’s, I took a deep breath and forced a small smile, but I didn’t hold it for very long. Sarah opened the door (Michelle’s mother) and immediately she read the expression on my face, and knew that something wasn’t quite right, she spoke quickly, she said, “What is it? What’s wrong? ” I held her gaze and I said softly “Sarah I think I’m pregnant”. The expression on her face dropped, she said to me “look you wait here, I have to go and pick up Laura, when I get back we will talk about it”. I wish I had waited until she came home to tell her, because it was obvious she was in hurry and driving and worrying isn’t healthy.

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