I Want a Husband

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I belong to a certain classification of people known as husbands. I am a Husband. And, while we’re on the subject, I am a father as well. Recently, one of my female friends divorced her husband of over 10 years. She has one child, who is, evidently, with her. She is now looking for a new husband, someone new, younger, and more attractive. I thought to myself, “why is she in such a hurry to find a new husband? ” While I was mowing the lawn the other day, I began thinking about my female friend and her problem; it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a husband.

Life would be so much easier and stress free if I had a husband. I want a husband who works in a very high-paying job to support me and the children, but can have flexible hours so that he can spend time at home as well. Not only do I want a husband with a stable job, I also want a husband who will do all of the outside work. I want a husband to mow the lawn to keep the neighbors jealous of our yard. I want a husband who barbeques every Sunday. I want a husband who is a part-time mechanic, plumber, and chef whenever it is needed.

I want a husband who will be handy at everything there is to do in the house like changing the light bulb, clean the gutters, paint the walls, assembling the furniture, and maybe giving me a massage from time to time. I want a husband who can help me with any ridiculous problem I may have, whether it be driving the kids to their ball games because I am dead tired or fixing a clogged toilet because he knows how disgusting it is to me. I also want a husband who understands that we are equals in the relationship.

I want a husband who wouldn’t mind helping me cook dinner as well as clean up the kitchen afterwards. I want a husband who does anything for me without demanding anything in return. I want a husband who is spontaneous. I want a husband who will always remember our anniversary and will take me out to romantic dates every once in a while. I want a husband who will shower me with flowers and jewelry for no good reason. I want a husband who won’t mind me talking to my girlfriends for hours. I want a husband who is willing to listen to me when I have so much to say.

I want a husband who will cancel his plans with “the boys” so that he can have a date night with me. I want a husband who is attentive to what my needs and wants are, and to care for what I have to say. I want a husband who isn’t afraid to tell me when something is bothering him. I want a husband to tell me when he feels jealous of another person, but isn’t too clingy about it. I want a husband who will accompany me when I go shopping. I want a husband who wouldn’t mind waiting by the dressing rooms and holding my shopping bags.

I want a husband who will say no when I ask him if certain outfits make me look fat. I want a husband who thinks I’m beautiful even when I’m not wearing any make-up and wearing sweats. I want a husband who can get along with his in-laws. I want a husband who will take the children camping just so I can get some free time. I want a husband who will tell me jokes when I’m sad, entertain me when I am bored, and give me a shoulder to cry on when I need to cry. I want a husband who understands my sexual needs and makes love passionately and eagerly not just when he feels like it.

I want a husband who will tuck in and say goodnight to my children every night. If by any chance, I find someone more suitable as a husband than the husband I already have, I want the liberty to replace my current husband with another one. Naturally I will be expected to keep custody of the children, but my husband is still required to pay child support every month. When my husband is through with school and has a job, I want to be able to quite working so that I can focus on raising our children.

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