Don’t you just hate it when no one understands you? When you’re crying out for love and affection and no one heeds your call? When trying to axel in something you alternately fail no matter what you do or how you pursue your success? When you feel so insignificant how can you possibly want to live? I do. Sometimes I think the world would be a better place without me. Occurrences in my life have terminated me to think I am useless, that maybe my father is right after all. Life is so complicated, no one can ever fully understand its full meaning, and no one can ever fully understand one being in this world so why do they try?

Do they try finding faults in on being to fell better about their own existence? To try and feel better about themselves when they’re loosing their own grip? Early Monday morning, my alarm shrilled loudly, great I thought to myself, another term of torture at school. I hated school. I could never get to grips with lessons any more. All my motivation sapped out of me like a slow poison killing me inside. Ever since my brother had passed away a few years back. Nothing kept me going anymore.

Not even my own parents, their whole demeanour around me appears asif they would much rather I was the brother who died and Jimmy was still alive. After all he was the “special” one. No matter what he could do no wrong. He was the marvel, first born too. So however many mistakes he made in his school or how ever many times he would get in trouble out of school. Somehow it always found its way back to me, and I would be the one who got the blame. At school things were no better, the teachers treated me like crap. Even my friends who I’d grown up with for the past 16 years don’t talk to me any more.

This affected my school work so much, and anytime I got home if the phone ever rang my heart would skip a beat or two hoping it wasn’t a teacher callin to complain about me underachieving in class when I can do so much more. Frequently I would get a leathering from dad for doing wrong. And of course all I do is wrong nowadays. My life is tumbling slowly but surely to hell. Day by day my heart would grow blacker and colder. I am not enjoying my life anymore. No matter how I try to please mum and dad, I will never receive any gratitude for trying. I mayaswell not exist. Mums started on the drink now. She even calls me Jimmy.

I guess I’ve finally been erased from the what few brain cells remain in her mind. She finally has forgotten me. Now Saturday morning, the alarm sounding louder than ever. This was possibly the last time I would ever hear this alarm. Because by noon it will all be over. As I sat in my room staring at everything and nothing, a thousand thoughts running through my mind. Amazingly tears came trickling down my face as I thought about how I’ll never see mum or dad again. I had gained a hightened sense of things, I knew it had to be done, to spare me of any more pain and horrible depression, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I reached for a pen out of my pencil case. Even now I thought about how I would miss this silly old rotten pencil case. I found some bundled up paper in the corner of my bag. I’ll use that I thought, my parents don’t deserve fresh vibrant paper after making me feel sick about myself. Making me feel like im a useless pice of crap and that I shouldn’t exist. I put pen too paper and tohught of anything to write. How could I tell my mum and dad that im going to be no longer a hinderance for them. It seemed harsh but the more I thought about it the more I realised it was their fault, they’ve turned me into this bloody wreck of an existance.

I violently scribbled down on this piece of paper and took a deep breath. I said my last goodbyes to my house, hell I even hugged my own bed. I closed the door on my way out. It was a symbol asif to say your never returning here mate. I trudged downstaires, and left the note on my dads armchair. I even hugged that!. I walked outside closed the front door and took a deep breath. I looked down the road and saw a lorry speeding my way. Closer and closer it came. I took one look back at the house, and thought fuck you mum and dad, this is your fault!!!!. I threw myself in the middle of the road. Heard a loud screech and a horn.

Then it all went. The pain and suffering was slowly seeping away from my body. I strangley felt happy. It was Over. The car pulled up, “Whats going on James? ” The look on James face told it all. He threw himself from the car and sprinted like an athlete to the crushed body that lay before him. Sandra rushed inside to call for help, and found Gary’s note lying on James armchair. She let out a huge cry. She stumbled towards James and handed him the note. James read it and cried a whole river out of his eyes. “No! Gary I’m sorry!!! ” James was writhen with guilt. “We never even had chance to say how much we love and are proud we are of him! “